Etrangeté

Quel est donc ce sentiment étrange qui me prend à la gorge ces nuits où l'insomnie s'empare de ce qu'il reste de ma conscience? D'où vient cette boule dans la gorge et ce pincement au cœur?
La peur, toujours cette peur du néant, de la solitude, du vide... les souvenirs qui se bousculent dans mes moments de solitude et de doute... ces souvenirs que je souhaiterai morts à tout jamais, pour ne plus avoir à les revivre, pour ne plus qu'ils me tuent.
Je ne veux plus de ces souvenirs si brûlants, mais en même temps ils sont si profondément ancrés qu'il me semble impossible de les effacer. Peut-être une part de moi ne veut-elle pas que ces restes disparaissent... quoiqu'il en soit, ces nuits me paraissent interminables et sombres. L'atmosphère se teint d'amertume et de regrets. Il y a des rencontres, des liens qui se font et ne se défont jamais, sans que l'on sache pourquoi... même si au fond de mon être je continue cette quête de réponses. Trop d'implication, trop d'investissement, trop donné... j'ai mal, mon cœur est lourd, mon âme est percée de petites crevasses impossible à combler définitivement... je n'ai plus qu'à espérer de meilleurs jours et de meilleures nuits, bien que je sache que certains souvenirs me poursuivront toute ma vie durant...
Dans ces moments de doute je me raccroche à lui, mon Il, pour ne pas sombrer. Je sais qu'il m'a été envoyé dans mes moments les plus difficiles pour surmonter mes souffrances, je sais qu'il me soutien, je l'aime du plus profond de moi, malgré tous ces autres souvenirs et toutes ces autres empreintes dans mon cœur, c'est lui qui a la plus belle place. Mi amor, mi angelo, mon cholito.

The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost, 1920

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

I don't know who is the real me

Often,too often actually, I wonder how should my life be...but nothing comes into my mind. Emptyness.It's how life is like, as far as I'm concerned, for the moment.Why, oh why am I like this, always been and, though, might always be? It's too hard to explain. I'm so disapointed by everything. I feel so weak in front of all the bad things in the world. I feel too far from everything, as if I couldn't reach a thing except from the very top of my fingers... Things...things are dreamlike to me. I want to be part of it, I want to be part of this world, but I can't. I feel I'm going on the wrong direction, but how could I stop? I've always had strange thoughts, but today it's worse. Everything is disconnected, torn into pieces, unclear, foggy. What is that? Am I going mad? Should I be locked in a white room with a white shirt, having to take little red and blue pills? How does it work? Are we bound to some kind of fate or something? Do we born with a fate already defined? Why should I be weak while someone else is going to fight against hunger or deases? Why should I be tortured with thoughs while someone else isn't? Why should I have an unknown work, a life where I can't do what I dreamed of, a life I don't want of? While someone else would have realised his oldest dream... I wish I am the one who realises her dream, who act instead of thinking... I wonder, how is it like, this kind of life? I still think everybody should be able to realise its old dreams... The little girl who wanted to be a doctor...the little girl who dreamed to become a famous scientist...the one who desired more than everthing else to be truely loved...and the one who wanted to free the Earth of all the evil and horror... Do change can really happen? Would life go better soon? I hope so...